Make Out, Marry, Murder 1.31.11

Some of you have discovered the “Make Out, Marry, Murder” link on my website in the “About & Contact” Section. Rather than answer all of your options on twitter, I’m going to collect your submissions and post the answers here. The most challenging, humiliating, horrifying and downright funny will very likely win their very own Jenna Cakes so don’t hold back. Here we go! From @kenschoepp Makeout, Marry, Murder: Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis Make out: Zach Galifianakis Marry: Will Ferrell Murder: Vince Vaughn That was a tough one. Zach is too funny to kill but MARRY??? I don’t know if I could do that to our future children. (BURN!) Will Ferrell is just wonderful. And Vince Vaughn, although I do think he’s funny, could get annoying. So he had to go. From @shaungcasey — Make Out, Marry, Murder: John Goodman, Sandra Bernhard, Roseanne Barr? Make out: Roseanne Barr Marry: John Goodman Murder: Sandra Bernhard When I saw my choices here I thought, “Woof.” Marrying John Goodman was an easy choice but Roseanne and Sandra? You’re killing me here, @shaungcasey! From @ChrisSerico MMM: Duff Goldman, Cake Boss, the lead singer of Cake. #jennacakes Make out: Duff Goldman Marry: Cake Boss Murder: Lead singer of Cake I couldn’t part with someone who actually bakes cakes. Sorry, singer from Cake, but you haven’t released anything for a while anyway. As for the other two cake bakin’ men, it came down to this: could I marry a guy with as strange/nasty a goatee as Duff insists on having? The answer is no. I loved the Jenna Cakes themed submission so @chrisserico,...

Movie Reviews of Movies I’ve Never Seen

Warning: You will be required to read subtitles in this preview. If you can’t handle that, then stick to No Strings Attached. Scat! I don’t know what this movie is about. But If I had to guess, I’d say, a man and his family and the means he will go to in order to keep them afloat. This movie looks depressing, disturbing and downright dark. And yet, I bet there’s something beautiful about it all? Just a guess. In case you were wondering, unlike Gnomeo and Juliet, Buitiful does not feature the glorious sounds of Sir Elton John. I think I want to see Buitiful. Preferably on a date so the dude pays. I’m gonna need popcorn, Diet Coke and candy to get through it. Mmm, skittles. Love,...

Are we really surprised?

So Taco Bell “beef” isn’t really beef. BIG DEAL. I knew that. You knew that. “According to a class-action lawsuit filed this past Friday, in California, the “meat mixture” that Taco Bell uses in its products “contains less than 35 percent meat,” reports the Associated Press. Advertising the food as “beef” is misleading, say the claimants, and it misses the mark for U.S. Department of Agriculture standards for food labeled as beef. So what’s in this “seasoned beef?” The lawsuit claims it’s mostly binders and extenders such as “water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, anti-dusting agent and modified corn starch.” How many ways can we not say, “Yum?” The meat mixture is only 35% solid matter.  But don’t get caught up in numbers! Look on the bright side: that’s why it goes straight through you! It may not be beef but it’s definitely edible. There are people who eat nastier things all the time. For example, at least you aren’t this chick: Or this chick: See. Eating Taco Bell “beef” is WAY more normal than eating chalk and toilet paper. Feel better? Now. Anybody wanna go to Taco Bell? They have “chicken” too. I want a Gordita! Love, Your Gordita...