Sometimes March ends…

…before I get a chance to say “good riddance!” I’m sorry if your birthday falls on one of the unfortunate days during this unfortunate month. I wish that made me like March better but uh… Perhaps I’m being a little dramatic. Perhaps March has something to offer besides depression, drunken debauchery and the dreaded tight jeans dance (You know, the dance one must do to put on his/her jeans when his/her said jeans don’t quite fit anymore)? Well, I just googled Holidays in March and I’m almost 100% sure that all of these so-called Holidays are fake which means I’m going to have to make up my own holidays to celebrate next March just to make it a little more worth living through. March 1st: Prank Call the White House Day (Hey, is Simore there? Simore Butts?) March 4: Listen to Kelly Clarkson Day (Recommended by most doctors to turn that frown upside down.) March 8th: Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day (*Warning, you will look like a monk who forgot to button up his robe in the back and people will make lame jokes about it ALL day.) March 10th: Punch Your Girlfriend in the Face Day (brought to you by Chris Brown and Doublemint Gum) March 13th: National Call In Sick Day (There won’t be much work to do, if everyone is “sick.”) March 17: St. Danica Patrick’s Day March 20: OPRAH DAY! (On this day, everyone must give one of their favorite things…to me.) March 21: OPRAH DAY 2! (On this day, everyone must watch The Color Purple, twice.) March 25: Don’t Lose Hope, This Month...

Jenna Kim’s Fake Rumors 3/29/09

BABY WARS: Madonna is rumored to be adopting another child from Malawi. Octo-Mom heard Madonna’s big news and is looking for a Malawian sperm donor. She will not be out done! A PERSONAL BAILOUT: After being “forced” to step down yesterday, GM’s CEO was seen in his pajamas, laying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a big gulp, smiling as he yelled, “This is the friggin’ life. Thanks Obama!” WEATHER ALERT: Winter has decided not to end, permanently. NON-BAILOUT PORK: Cafe Rio is opening in New York City near Bleecker and Broadway. Tell all of your friends! (If you don’t know Cafe Rio, it’s because you aren’t from Utah. Sorry?) BUSTED: VP Joe Biden’s daughter, Ashley, might have been caught on tape snorting cocaine…or smarties. It was probably smarties. Snorting the delicious candy is all the rage right now. Either way, dang girl, you totally pulled a Phelps! SMELLY MISTAKES: North Korea left their “test” rocket in the fridge next to the kimchi. No need to worry anymore, we’ll be able to smell it coming from miles away. That’s it for this week. I’m JK…Peace out, blogtards!...

Sometimes TV people come up…

…the best ideas. This one is delicious! Fox ordered a new reality program called, “More To Love.” No need to panic, Mormons, this show is not about a polygamist looking for his newest wife. This is a new reality dating show similar to The Bachelor but instead of using pretty people as the contestants, the show will focus on pairing people with a little more lovin’ on their bones, if you know what I mean. Fox reps said, “It’s a dating show for the rest of us.” Excuse me, Fox, did you just call me fat? For the rest of us? Oh, you mean, for the rest of us who butter our poptarts, deep fry our vegetables and freeze mayonnaise to make mayo popsicles. Mmmm, they are especially refreshing on a hot summer day. If that’s what you meant, then you are right, this show is definitely for me! Get excited! Fox is going to find us fatties someone to love besides the Pillsbury Doughboy. I can’t wait!...

Sometimes bloggers outgrow…

…the blogspot.  It took me several hourz due to my lack of technological skillz but I’m happy, no, thrilled to announce that the blogspot no longer existz in my URL (That’s what it’s called right?).  Don’t worry, if you type in jennakimjones.blogspot.com, you will still be directed to the new and improved jennakimjones.com where you can read and reread my postz.  You love them, you know you do.  You might love them more than you secretly love McDonald’s french fries, watching TV in your underwear or drinking straight from the milk carton.  Oh my, you are a slob!  It’s ok, my blog is kind of a slob too.  Duh, that’s why you love it.  Didn’t I make that abundantly clear already?   Welcome to www.jennakimjones.com.  Peace out, nerds. Love,...

Sometimes I like to complain…

…so buckle up, here I go! If you don’t live in NYC, you don’t know that all of the fast food and take out restaurants here have their calorie count right there on the menu, staring you in the face.  I know how many calories are in everything at McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Chipotle, Hale & Hearty, etc.  I can’t avoid knowing because right next to the price is a number sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always there telling me what kind of consequence eating that food item will have on my hips.  I wish that the calorie count would stop me from eating certain foods.  At first, it did.  New York City’s plan to skinnify all of us played it’s tricky mind games on me.  I couldn’t eat out at the only restaurants I could afford.  Everywhere I went, I was haunted by calories.  Then, after a while, I got over it.  So now, I just eat whatever I want as usual but instead of unknowingly enjoying the food I’m eating, I have to rationalize every bite I take.   At least I drink diet soda. Hey, she’s eating it. I totally walked here.   I won’t eat later, I swear. I dried my jeans today and I didn’t have to do a dance to squeeze into them, no one deserves this more than me! Guys like curves, right? What else do I want to complain about?  Why not keep it food related, shall we?  Why do people always try to convince me that salmon isn’t fishy?  Salmon is a fish.  Fish is fishy by name.  How do you describe...