Sometimes all I think about…

…is this stupid election. I’m not sure there is anything else going on in the world. But then again, I live in the center of the Universe so if the election is important in NYC, then it must be the only thing worth talking about in this world. Yesterday, Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said that McCain would win in North Carolina, a traditionally Republican state, even though the polls show that Obama and McCain are dead even. Graham said, “He fits North Carolina like a glove. I’ll beat [Olympic gold medalist] Michael Phelps in swimming before Barack Obama wins North Carolina.” Stranger things have happened. And I hear that a 55 year old Senator is the new 22 year old ripped fish-man. Maybe he has webbed toes, rubber limbs and plate hands too? Nah, I’ve seen this Sen. Lindsey Graham and he’s a total Southern Belle, if you know what I mean....

Sometimes picking a Halloween Costume…

…can be very stressful. This Halloween some of the popular costumes include: 1. Sarah Palin dressed in WalMart’s clothing line2. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin as Tina Fey3. John McCain before he died4. Joe the slutty plumber5. A delinquent mortgage Here are my options for Halloween Costume this year: 1. A lesbian or Zac Efron2. A “healthier” version of Cindy McCain3. Rachael Ray (But not because I look like her…) 4. Two Face: Half Obama Mama, half McCainiac5. Uh, Apple What or who are you going to be? Don’t tell me. I don’t care THAT much unless you are 5 years old or younger. Best thing about Halloween? Candy, duh. Worst thing about Halloween? Everything else....

Sometimes, especially in times of economic hardship…

…people need to learn how to scale back. How to save money during a recession: Buy nothing. Steal if you have to. Or Move to California, turn into a hippie (in no particular order), live on a vineyard or some other form of open space in a tiny, and I mean tiny house just big enough for you and your home grown Mary Jane. (Tiny houses as seen on CNN.com or as Sarah Palin might call them, “Trailers for the Liberal Eeelite.”) On the other hand, saving money is great, but the real quest, the real American in all of us is searching for ways to make money but no more than $250,000 otherwise taxes will be a beeyotch when Obama begins his reign. How to make money during a recession: Find a treasure map with your group of misfit friends, run from an Italian family of crooks (as if there are any other kind) and make sure you bring plenty of Baby Ruth’s. Trust me, you’ll find the treasure. I’ve seen it a million times. Have a yard sell, I mean, sale. (Whoops, that’s the real American side of me coming through.) Start a business selling liquor filled chocolate money bags. Lastly, get a job in the television industry. What does Joe the Wall Street Investment Banker do when he doesn’t have any money? He stays in, orders cheap Chinese food (as if there is any other kind) and watches cable on his flat screen 47″ LCD HDTV....

Sometimes people think I should run…

…for Blonde. Not because I’m against brunettes. If elected, I could bring peace to a hair rivalry that has lasted altogether too long. Being an unnaturally unnatural blonde, I’ve experienced and understand both sides of the hair color issues. I’ve reached across the aisle in an attempt to unite blondes and brunettes in order to put looks aside and do what is best for all, hair or no hair. I’ve dyed my hair myself for years. I’m an outsider to the hair colorist insiders. To them, I’m a hair maverick, mavericking my way through an unmavericky world. I’m experienced. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this but let me repeat myself, I am a very experienced born again blonde maverick. Trust me. Why? 1. My roots make me legit. 2. My hair glows = Beacon of light 3. Always able to meet or exceed extremely low expectations. 4. A flip of the hair is more powerful than a “Gosh darn, can I call you Joe?, wink.” 5. I never pal around with red heads. 6. Blonde’s are way funner. Blondes and brunettes, put your differences aside. Vote....