Sometimes it’s so awesome…

…living in a country that is so awesome. We had the great depression, now we’re entering the greatest depression. We have the fattest people, the most au-rtistic kids, role models in rehab, reality TV, corn dogs, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sarah Palin, Sarah Plain and Tall, corn dogs, etc… What else do we need? I know that I said this place is awesome but… Forget the bailout, this is what I really need: 1. The ability to change my facebook status by wiggling my nose. 2. Predictive text that is never wrong. 3. More films starring talking Chihuahua’s living in 90210. Really, Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Really? What is wrong with people? So many things, actually. (I’ve got issues too, don’t worry.) You know what I really need right now? A big fat Diet Coke, on the rocks....

Sometimes Clay Aiken…

…tried so hard to stay in the closet until the world made fun of him enough, he decided to come out. Yes, Clay came out and said he was gay. For some that may be a shock. If you are one of those people “in shock,” you are probably 65 and a HUGE fan of his. You probably still use the term “gay” meaning happy and you probably have friends with the first name of “Gay” or other various forms of it. Regardless, irregardless, whatever, I’d just like to say that Clay shouldn’t have come out and announced his sexual preference. Now that the mystery is gone, he is going to fall into non-celebrity oblivion. Let me explain: since he is officially gay, we can’t really tease him about it anymore. So really, what’s the point of talking about him? Bad move, Clay. I’ve practically forgotten you already. Or maybe that’s what he wants?...

Sometimes google…

…does funny things. For example, I’m happy to announce that if you google “Can you eat hot pockets if you are pregnant?” my blog appears as one of the results. For the person who asked that question, maybe the real question should be, “Should anyone eat hot pockets, ever?” Think about it. I can’t write hot pocket jokes because they will NEVER compare to Jim Gaffigan’s hot pocket jokes, ever. Oh what the heck… What seriously, what would happen if you ate a hot pocket when you were pregnant? Would your baby suffer from childhood obesity at birth? Would he/she be born drinking a 64 ounce jug of coke and reading the latest issue of National Enquirer? Would he/she develop a habit of entering gas station convenience stores without shoes? Would he/she be born with a burnt tongue? Or…maybe hot pockets are the cure for autism. Who knows?...

Sometimes I’m a hazy shade…

…of ugly. When I woke up this morning, I looked as though death was imminent. Most likely, I’ll be ok, I think. But I don’t have health insurance right now so I’m just going on my own self diagnosis which has at times been wrong. Last month I was sure I was dying of a brain infection because all day long, I could only smell rubber. I later discovered that the smell was coming from a the new makeup foundation I was using on my face. I’ve since stopped using it and the smell is history except for the foundation’s residue left behind on my powder. Phew. Brain infections can be rough so I feel like I dodged a bullet this time. My grey complexion got me thinking: what if didn’t have a face? Then the thought quickly moved to, what if I lost my ability to taste? (shutter) Or what if my fingers disappeared and were only little nubbies? Even worse, what if I COULD taste but my mouth’s opening were pea-sized and my nubbies made it impossible to put what little food I could in there anyway so I was forced to drink from a straw all the time and my digestive system works as poorly as it does now which means I still couldn’t eat dairy products forcing me to consume dairy free Jamba Juice all the time? (It’s just not as good!) And still no milkshakes? Sometimes living without dairy is like living minus delicious. (I know I’ve written of this before, but I just feel like it needed to be emphasized again for a...